BestieTalks

BestieTalks

Relationships Can be Beautiful or They Can be Messy but Either Way, You Learn From Them!

Guest Post : Making the Decision to end a Toxic Relationship

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Guest Post with Alana from SolelyLiving.Com

We teamed up with a fellow blogger named Alana. Here is a little bit from Alana about herself and her blog so you can get to know her a little bit more !

Hi there, I’m Alana Nicole! I’m a purebred Georgia Peach that loves apple pie and her dog more than words can express. I started Solely Living because I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t have it all figured out. I’m a paralegal, turned real estate professional, turned blogger! (​Whew! ) I was sick of having the same conversations with my besties and never getting any closer to figuring out the solutions. S.L. became my place to vent, let it all out and find my tribe. I created this lifestyle advice blog so other millennials can know they aren’t the only ones. I love connecting with the amazing women who seek my advice and give some of their own. We are here to learn from each other and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Making the Decision to End a Toxic Relationship

The story is usually about the same, right? Girl meets boy. Boy likes girl. They meet for drinks, and a few weeks later are inseparable. Then, boy gets possessive/ controlling/ demanding/ aggressive/ needy/ annoying. (Circle all that apply.) Girl wants to end it but doesn’t know how without irritating him more. Girl ends up staying because it’s easier than leaving. Couple breaks up a few times but ultimately get back together after a few hours/days/weeks because, well, why not? Couple continues to live unhappily ever after until one of them finally steps away on faith.

If that ghost story sounds too familiar, I’m sorry you had to go through that. (I also want to make it clear that boys aren’t the only ones who can have those negative qualities, okay?) But, living in a home that feels like a cave doesn’t have to be your fate simply because you fell in love with someone who wasn’t quite right for you. Sometimes, your picker is a little off and you just need to re-calibrate.
But, ​how?

How do you leave someone you still kinda love without seeming like the bad guy? How do you keep your grace? How do you leave when it’s easier to​ ​​just stay? Sometimes fighting for your own well-being is more important than being timid. You have to take control over your life before you lose who you used to be without the person who’s been holding you back.

Here’s how I made that decision (​a few times…)

1. Write A Letter to Your Former Self  Tell her everything you thought she’d be and everything you need her to become. Tell her how you ended up here, why you aren’t happy and what makes you think you deserve better. Tell her everything you’ve been hiding from your friends, mom, aunts and siblings. Then, read it like it was your best friend telling how bad her relationship has gotten. Give her the best advice you can. Now, give that advice to yourself.

2. Create A Pros and Cons List of Your Relationship It might sound childish, but it works! What are you actually receiving from this relationship? What are you getting in return for being you? Which list is longer? Compare this list to what you always wanted from a partner. Do they make you laugh? Are they kind, sensible, sincere? Do you feel loved?

3. Figure Out Your Love Language People who love differently can love each other as long as they know ​how
​ to love each other. You can’t expect to be loved correctly when you aren’t attuned to how you need to be loved. Try this ​love languages test​, do some research and be honest with yourself. Have you gotten enough of the love you desire from your partner? Truth is, probably not, but have they even tried?

4. Step Out on Faith…In Yourself
You know what you want and you know you aren’t getting it. Now, you just have to trust in yourself. Pick a time and place that’s the most comfortable for you. Sit your partner down for a nice meal, go for a walk, get ice cream, whatever you need to do. Take your time, speak clearly and be in control. You know this is what’s right for both of you so now’s not the time to see both sides. Tell your partner what you’ve learned about yourself and your relationship through the steps you took above. Explain why you are looking for something different and why your particular puzzle pieces just don’t quite fit with each other. They don’t have to agree, like it or understand, but they do have to let you walk away.

Believing in yourself and standing your ground are two of the hardest qualities to possess but once you know who you are, no one will be able to make your soul waver again.

How to Connect With Alana

Did you vibe with this article from Alana? We sure did! Almost everyone has been in a toxic relationship at some point in their life and had to make the decision to end it. This could be a lover, friend, coworker or even a family member. Making the decision for YOU and what is best for YOU is SO important!

Connect with Alana for more of her articles!

Keep in touch : IG ​@SolelyLiving​ / Twitter @SolelyLiving​ / Pinterest ​@SolelyLiving​ / Facebook: SolelyLiving​ / ​Hello@SolelyLiving.com​ / ​www.SolelyLiving.com

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How to Effectively Run a Two-Person Blog

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How to Effectively Run a Two-Person Blog

Running a two-person blog can seem complicated. But, if you find the perfect person to pair up with, it can be a wonderful and exciting journey! There are lots of key components that need to be addressed when you’re running a blog with someone else. This article will outline the key steps and strategies to making a two-person blog run smoothly!

Pairing up With the Perfect Person

Starting a blog is a significant endeavor. Finding the perfect person to start a blog with is an entirely different endeavor. A successful duo blog is possible as long as you make sure the person you work with is just as committed as you are.

The three most important aspects to consider when choosing a blog partner are:

  • Similar interests
  • Excellent communication
  • Someone you get along with

We have been best friends for almost 15 years and are as close as sisters. We have lived in different states for over 12 years, but thanks to great communication and regular vacations together, we never skip a beat. Our blog journey has been an exciting learning experience and has brought us even closer. Now we’re here to share how we make our blog work, and why starting a duo blog is not as tricky as you might think!

Communication is Key!

Good communication is crucial to run a successful blog efficiently.  To make sure you know who is responsible for what and when, you need to discuss planning, organization and blog tasks. We communicate via phone call or text multiple times a day, so we are always on the same page.

Important things that need to be discussed to keep our blog on track include:

  • Article topics  
  • When you will do a solo posts vs. joint posts
  • Posting schedule  
  • Social media metrics and performance
  • Advising one another before a post is made
  • Who is responsible for maintaining specific social media platforms
  • New group boards you join on Pinterest or other social media sites
  • Potential guest posters/contributors
  • Feedback on each other’s posts before publishing
  • New ideas or things you want to change
  • Any blog-related expenses

You need to be able to communicate honestly with one another. Without trust and openness, it will be hard to be successful. If you don’t like an article topic, you need to let your partner know and be able to take constructive criticism. You are a team and you will either win or lose together.

We meet for drinks in San Francisco!

Sharing Accounts and Profiles 

Building and designing your blog is just the beginning. To promote your blog, you’ll also need to use numerous apps, websites and social media platforms. When you are part of a two-person blog team, that means you will have joint accounts. Be prepared to create shared usernames and passwords across all the essential platforms.  Our shared accounts and profiles include:

  1. WordPress
  2. Tailwind
  3. Siteground
  4. Facebook
  5. Gmail
  6. Pinterest
  7. Instagram
  8. Twitter
  9. Canva
  10. Studiopress 
  11. MailChimp

It’s smart to use the same password and joint email across all shared accounts related to your blog. From day one, we split all costs associated with our blog 50/50. We send and request money for  monthly subscriptions (like Tailwind) through Venmo, so we keep a documented transaction history. Being in a blog partnership is similar to a marriage. You share EVERYTHING!

Mutual Approval on Everything 

Before anything is posted, it’s important to get approval from your blog partner. This strategy has worked wonderfully for us, and we highly recommend it. We split up who manages specific social media platforms, but both still weigh in on what’s posted. For example, Jessica handles Instagram and Pinterest, and Raynita handles Facebook and Twitter. Before we post on any social media, we let each other know what we are posting. It’s only fair that your partner likes the picture, article, etc. that will be posted. Your blog represents both of you, so it’s important to always include each other.

Having your own identity in a two-person blog is also important. We recommend a mixture of solo posts and joint posts to keep the balance. If there are only articles by one author, your blog won’t be seen as a collective. It’s vital that your partner has their own identity, and that together you make up what you blog is supposed to be. Proofreading each other’s articles and weighing in on their writing and pictures used allows you to have an opinion about your work before it is shared with the world. Use one another to make your blog the absolute best that it can be

Be Better Together

We meet and drag our husbands along (who love each other dearly) for all of our shenanigans.

We live in different states so getting together is not that easy. If you are thinking of starting a blog with someone, you will have to make time for one another. Meeting up in person to work on our blog, take pictures and going on vacations (when we can) all help make our blog successful. Getting together in person to work on your blog, taking pictures together, and going on vacations are all required. We get together several times a year, and now with our blog, our vacations have become blog adventure opportunities. The person you are sharing a blog with should also be someone you enjoy sharing life with. You want someone who makes you better and vice-versa.

Making the decision to start a blog with someone else is an exciting step. Click here to read a similar story about starting a two-person blog that might bring you some more inspiration! We hope that you have found this information useful. Starting a joint blog was one of the easiest and best decisions of our lives. We could each have started a blog alone, but the we wouldn’t have someone to share all our achievements with. A two-person blog might be tough, but it is beyond rewarding, and that outranks everything else!

Connect With Us!

We invite you to connect with us on any and all social platforms. Ask us questions, inquire about guest posting or just come along for the journey! The more the merrier!

www.facebook.com/bestietalks

www.instagram.com/bestietalks

www.twitter.com/bestietalksblog

www.pinterest.com/bestietalks

www.bestietalks.com

bestietalks@gmail.com

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Forgiving Those That Have Hurt You

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Easier Said Than Done

Forgiving those that have hurt you is easier said than done. A lot of the time we hold grudges, anger or sadness. We think it is easier not to forgive them, but it’s also a burden we carry on ourselves. We hurt ourselves by bearing those grudges. Some people apologize and others who don’t. It’s the apologies we don’t get that are harder to forgive. Over the years, we have endured pain from a wide array of people. Some have been easier to forgive and others we have struggled with. We have gotten to a point in our lives where we might forgive some people, but it doesn’t mean we need to let them back into our lives. Having boundaries for yourself is crucial. People are always going to hurt you, but it’s up to you if you let it continue. 

Words Hurt

The thing about words is once they’re said, there is no taking them back. The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is completely bogus! Words can hurt the most. What someone says in the heat of an argument can resonate with that other person, and they may become oblivious to anything else said during the argument. Those words will stick to them, and anything else you say won’t matter. When someone says something so hurtful to you, it is easy to think that they have always thought this about you. Then you start questioning yourself saying ” did they always feel that way about me? Have they been saying this behind my back?”. And those are all logical thoughts. But when the time comes for forgiveness, don’t hesitate to ask those questions that you were pondering about, because in most cases (not all) that person said that to be a dick and hurt you exactly where they knew they could. 

Arguing Through A Screen

With our electronic world, arguments happen over text, social media and even through email. This is a problem in itself. Words and emotions can get misconstrued, and one may take the message a completely different way than intended. If the messages continue, it usually only gets worse. Now, you’re pissed and have the messages there in front of you for you to reread and analyze which only brings up that same emotion or even worse. Arguing through text is so dumb. If you care about the person, take the time to give them a call and calmly express your feelings. This shows your seriousness in the matter. Nothing ever good comes from arguing through text. If you have something to say to someone, have the audacity to pick up the phone and tell them personally. Hiding behind a screen does nothing but make matters worse.  

Forgiving Their Actions

Forgiving someone because of what they did, can be extremely tough. When a person cheats on you, steals from you, or physically hurts you, trust is now gone, and any forgiveness is gonna take much more time. When an action is done against you, it is understandable to feel betrayed. It takes more thought and effort for someone to do something that they know will hurt you physically. Most of us have felt this kind of pain, and it is tough to get over it. Usually, when you forgive this type of person, you are much more hesitant about how close you let them in again. It’s perfectly understandable to put your guard up even if you have forgiven them. Earning back trust after it has been broken is a steep road. If they repeatably break your trust, it is time to remove that person from your life completely.

Talking it Out

Most of the time it’s best to let the dust settle before making time to talk out issues with the other person. A clear head and calm emotions are imperative for a productive conversation to happen. Hearing out what the other person has to say is important. Are they sincere? Is their apology believable? Do they take fault when needed? Being honest with them about how they hurt you is as equally important so they can understand how their actions and words affected you. Talking it out and finding common ground can most of the time mend a relationship. A lot of things are forgivable, and people do have bad days, and sometimes you are the one they take it out on. This doesn’t justify what they might have done or said but bad days are a part of life. If you care about that person then being willing to talk it out is a good step in forgiving them. 

Forgive But Don’t Forget

Forgiving is the right thing to do, but you don’t have to forget. Now you know what that person is capable of doing. However, there is never a need to throw that back into their face. If you truly forgive someone, then you can’t bring up the past down the road. Throwing something someone did in their face after you said that you accept their apology is a shitty thing to do. Either forgive them or don’t but it can’t be both. If that person hurts you again, then you can at least say that you tried, but your happiness matters. Anyone who doesn’t contribute to your happiness really isn’t worth being in your daily life. Only you can protect yourself from other people. What you allow will continue.

Can you relate? Have you ever had issues forgiving someone that hurt you?

 

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10 Things Only Long -Distance BFFs Understand

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Besties Near Or Far

If anyone knows about being long-distance best friends, it’s us! Jess and I have been best friends for the past 14 years and have only lived in the same town as each other, only the very first year we met. I guess you can say it was “besties at first sight”! It was Jessica’s senior year, and I still had two more years of high school left, so we both knew we would have to be apart soon. That didn’t stop us though! We share the strongest bond with each other and have learned to work with the distance. Now, we’re gonna share some things that help us stay close while being so far apart…

Technology

Technology has made distance so much easier. At the beginning of our long distance friendship, technology wasn’t a huge deal just yet. We had cell phones but not smartphones yet. Now, we are always talking on EVERY social media platform along with texting and calling each other daily. We wouldn’t be in contact with each other as much if it weren’t for social media.

Travel

Our traveling plans usually include each other. They have for so long so why change it now?! Long ago, we made a pact always to make time to see each other every three months. 15 years later, we are still able to hold on to that. We usually go to each other’s home states or meet at a new destination. Who wouldn’t want to go on vacation every three months to see their bestie?!

Venting

Of course, we talk every day. But we also have those time where we just want to bitch about shit that’s going on around us. There is nothing better than calling your bestie and having them hear you out, without judgment, and having them entirely on your side, or them being the ones to tell you exactly what you need to hear.

Honesty

Being honest with each other is a major part of our friendship. We are super open with one another and don’t have any secrets. Not living close to each other can easily cause some friends to drift apart but being honest about our lives and the things that are going on helps keep our bond so strong. Being honest even if it runs the risk of potentially hurting each others feelings is key to a “bestie-ship” lasting forever!

Love

Over the past 14 years, guys have come in and out of our lives. One thing is for sure; they must always know that we’re a package deal (mmmkkkkaaayyy)! We are so lucky that our husbands have a genuine friendship with each other. We couldn’t imagine our significant others not liking our bestie. And that relationship probably wouldn’t work. 

Lovett’s & Nebeker’s having fun in Mexico!

Hard Times

Going through hard times and being miles away totally sucks. It could be something simple like having a shitty day at work or something significant like a family member relapsing and going to jail. Whatever the case may be, it is nice to have your bestie to call on and hear that “Everything is gonna be alright.” We are both firm believers that everything happens for a reason and that things will get better. It’s nice to hear someone positive in those hard times.

Pet Kids

Both of us have pets that are completely apart of our families. Her cats are my ‘catphews,’ and my dog is her ‘dogniece.’ We always ask how their doing and send probably too many pics of them to each other. Our animals have always been a part of our friendship, and that will always continue. In our phone calls, we always ask how the others four-legged creature is doing. We know each other’s animals habits and mannerisms. We feel that our pets know that our bestie loves them, and it helps with our connection all around. 

Stamp of Approval

Just because we’re hundreds of miles away, doesn’t mean we can’t approve or veto something. This goes from outfits to home decor, or what picture to post. Her opinion is still the one I turn to and trust the most. We send each other countless pictures of these things to get some honest feed back. And if we like something so much, we usually buy two of them and send one to the bestie because we know they’ll love it too! 

FaceTime

We both use to have Samsung phones, and I eventually switched to Apple. I bugged Ray constantly about making the switch and teased her about how much I hated her “green bubbles” when she texted me. She eventually made the switch to Apple, and it was all for FaceTime. Being able to call and see each other instantly is something we LOVE! Ray used Facetime to call me when I got engaged, and I use it to call her when I need to bitch about my day. We usually always look at the hot mess on FaceTime, but neither of us gives a shit about that. Our phones play a vital role in us staying in contact and each other’s daily lives. 

Other Friends

We know that we each have other friends and yes, sometimes we get jealous. There’s parties, events, group dinners, holidays, etc. that we miss spending together. Of course, we get FOMO and wish we could always be a part of all the activities but knowing my bestie has good friends around her makes me happy. There have also been friends that we don’t like and have no problem being honest about that. We fly out to each others city and meet each other friends and sometimes her friends become my friends and vice versa. We accept that we are going to have other friends, but we both know there is no such thing as “multiple” besties. She’s MY bestie, and best believe, all of our other friends know that! 

Do you have a long-distance bestie? Can you relate to these topics? Please share your bestie stories with us!

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Addiction Affects More Than Addicts

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Opening Up

We like to keep things positive and lighthearted, but life has its downsides. We are opening up about a topic that has dramatically impacted both of our lives. Addiction. If you are reading this, the chances are that you know someone who has suffered from substance abuse. Addiction comes in many forms, but they all have the same pain in common. We have felt that pain and understand that addiction affects more than addicts. Loved ones, friends, and family members all are susceptible to the pain and heartbreak that follows an addict. These are our real, honest and raw stories about our experience with addiction affecting those we love.

Jessica’s Story

This is something that is very hard for me to open up about. I am a very private person when it comes to my family, and I am very protective over those that I love. There are only a handful of people that know about this side of my life. Without those people, I probably wouldn’t have made it through all the shit I’ve endured over the years. I’m forever grateful for them. My younger sister started doing heroin five years ago. Before that it was pills. I still remember when she told me about the heroin and the urge I instantly had to want to help her. To “fix” her. I didn’t know it then, but you can’t ever “fix” an addict. Addicts can only help themselves, and until they want that help, there is nothing anyone can do. Our mother took custody of my niece and moved to another state while leaving my sister behind in Arizona. She abandoned her and left me to pick up the pieces. I have always felt responsible for my sister. In high school, our mom had an asshole of a boyfriend who lived with us. It was during those years that I became very protective of my sister.

You can’t “fix” an Addict

I thought I could fix her, make her better, help her get her daughter back, etc. but I was so naive. I was there by her side in the hospital when she overdosed. And I was there at her rehab a few times a week to check on her and bring clean clothes. We opened our doors to her when she left rehab for the first time. It wasn’t long until she stole from us and went back to living in the streets and doing drugs. By this time so much damage had been done that my family was completely ripped apart. I had no relationship with our mother or my niece, and my sister was someone I no longer knew.

I finally got my sister out of Arizona, and she went off to Texas where our Dad lives in hopes of starting a new life. She couldn’t be trusted in an airport so a train was our only option. I stood and watched until the doors closed and that train left. There was a feeling of emptiness when I got her on that train to Texas. I felt like I failed at taking care of her. She wasn’t my responsibility but watching my sister slowly kill herself was something I couldn’t let happen without attempting to help.

Struggling to Stay Sober   

She had a period of sobriety but never really had a “recovery” period. After moving to Texas, she got pregnant back to back which brought about two years of sobriety. She managed to stay clean for a while but recently fell back into her old habits. History repeated itself when she left her two youngest children and went back to her life of drug use and poor selection of “friends.” I couldn’t understand why she would do this all over again. She had a job, a car, two babies to take care of and was on the right path to getting her oldest daughter back. She just threw it all away, again. I took her into our home a few months ago, and she detoxed for a week straight. She was the thinnest I have ever seen her, and I just wanted to help her, again.

I believed her that she wanted to get clean, that she wanted help. You want to believe an addict every time they say, “I’m not gonna do this again. This was the last time. I promise.” But, it wasn’t the last time, and addicts lie so much that I think they genuinely believe their lies. I got her clean, fed, gave her some clothes and bought her a new cell phone. It’s hard dealing with an addict, and we fought constantly. Those 2 1/2 weeks felt like months. She was adamant she wanted to go back to Austin and “get her shit together.” She got on a bus from Dallas and spent a few weeks in rehab. She ended up checking herself out, “lost” her phone and all of her possessions she just regained and relapsed all over again. Every day that passes that I don’t hear from her is hard. She has no idea the pain she is inflicting on others.

Saying No

My brother in law suffers from the same substance abuse that my sister does. It’s sad to see our younger siblings just throw their lives away for a drug. My husband and I understand each other’s pain and know what it’s like to wonder where they are, if they are OK, if they are eating, if they are safe, etc. I had to cut off communication with my brother in law a few years ago because the drugs just became too much. It was too hard to see him high all the time. Due to the drugs, both of our siblings suffer from mental psychosis issues now as well. Drugs and mental illness all too often end up going hand in hand.

Last weekend my sister called me wanting to come to my house. I told her she’s not allowed in our home if she’s not clean. On top of that, I don’t condone her behavior and throwing her responsibilities as a mother out the window. I don’t respect it and won’t enable her. No, I told her no. There was a mix of emotions that I felt after she hung up on me. Telling her “no” was something I did for her and me. She doesn’t see it now, but I hope one day she will. I haven’t heard from her since and I have no way to reach her. Saying no to an addict can be a very hard thing to do. I have watched my Dad over the years as he has dealt with my sisters manipulation and it breaks my heart. The hope he has for her is never ending but he is slowly learning that he has to say no and that he has to stick with it. We aren’t turning our backs on her but we are firmly letting her know where we stand.

Wishing For Sobriety 

I miss my little sister, and I hope one day to have her back. The old her. The loving, kind, and funny sister that I remember. Not the one who leaves her kids, lies continuously and hurts everyone around her, but most of all hurts herself. I’ve accepted that I can’t fix her, but I can be here to support her when she’s ready to fix herself. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do but wait for this freight train she is riding to come to a halt. Until then there’s no point in me trying to jump in front to stop it.

Raynita’s Story

Substance abuse wasn’t apart of my life. But that all changed the day I met my husband. His older sister started dealing with substance abuse at the age of 13. Her drug of choice back then was alcohol. Their mom said she would never forget getting the phone call from her friend’s mom saying “Can you please come get your daughter, she is out of control.” Her daughter and her friends had got into a six-pack of wine coolers. The three of them all had one, and she ended up having the extra three and whatever else the other girls couldn’t finish. This might sound like an innocent teenage thing to do, but it was the start of her substance abuse.

Fast-forward a few years, and now she was introduced to narcotics after being a local pageant queen at the age of 17. Crazy how something so glamorous can lead you down the darkest road you will ever be on. The pageant life consisted of looking your best at all times, attending parties where you’re wined and dined by much older men, who also expected you to do basically whatever they wanted. She claims that she was expected to stay up all hours of the night and in high spirits. That’s where cocaine came into the picture. As the events and pageants continued, so did the cocaine. As she got older and began getting her more womanly figure, other girls who were joining the competition were younger and ‘thinner’ than her. So once again, cocaine was the drug she turned to so she didn’t get the craving to eat and could maintain her pageant weight. A few years later, pageants were done but her addiction wasn’t.

Substance Abuse As An Adult

My husband remembers her being about 21 when she was at their family home as she locked herself in the bathroom for hours. She came out, passed out on the floor and lost consciousness. She had overdosed. My husband called 911 as their mom is yelling at her just to breathe. The ambulance rushed in and revived her. No one knows exactly what she had overdosed on, but it was either cocaine or crank. This is a sight that continues to haunt my husband til this day.

Never Ending Cycle

Alcohol was still an issue. It had always been a part of her life because it was the easiest thing to get. She would drink and drive regularly and of course, ended up with a DUI. By the time she got her first DUI, she had already been to two state-funded rehab programs and two rehabs that my in-laws paid for. At 23, she moved in with her aunt who she would party with regularly. At one of these parties, she has introduced to this man who she instantly fell for. She was always looking for that male attention, and she found it in a guy who is 13+ years older than her. Within 60 days they had moved in together. My mother in law remembers receiving a call from him complaining about her daughter and saying that she wanted to be taken to the hospital because she feels bugs in her skin. Right away, mom knew she was using again and told him that he needs to take her to the ER. The emergency room called these “coke bugs,” and people will start feeling this sensation and hallucinations after doing cocaine or other drugs.

She and her new boyfriend would get in a fight, and that would drive her to use. Honestly, ANY negativity would be her excuse to use. Shortly after moving in together, she ends up pregnant. Now she’s 24, pregnant by a man she barely knows and still struggling with addiction. Did her pregnancy force her to stop her drug use? For a moment it did. However, she relapsed while she was pregnant and this time, went to jail. After doing her short sentence in jail, she comes out, and she and this man decide to get married. Then she has two more kids back to back which kept her sober for the time being.

Rehab

Rehab after rehab, program after program, she still couldn’t get her act together. She never acts like a wife and would meet men in these programs and AA meetings that would give her the attention she wanted, only to use her and her husband’s money. Sober living never worked either. She has easily been to 20 different rehabs up and down California. I have been to 3 different rehabs to visit her and take part in family counseling sessions. After the second one, my husband was over it. The last one we went to, I had to convince him and force him to go. But now, I have given up too because it’s the same cycle. After she got in the biggest trouble yet, she was sent to prison for a year. We all thought that was the last straw and she would have to change. Nope! She’s back at it doing the same things and running back to my in-laws home to detox week after week. Finally, we all had to cut her off. We can’t keep letting her abuse and hurt us like this.

Our biggest worry is her children. We stay in close contact with them and let them know that they’re loved, we’re here for them, and NOTHING is their fault. With me working with at-risk children, I see so many signs that can easily categorize them to be at-risk as well. These children are so strong to be dealing with this life. I just wish they were enough to keep their mom sober.

Seeking Help

There are lots of resources out there for addicts and for those affected by addicts. Books, groups, online forums, hotlines etc. It’s important to seek any and all help that you might need. 

You’re not alone.

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White Lies- Why do we Tell Them?

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Why is Telling the Truth so Hard?

People tell little white lies all the time. It’s so familiar that most people don’t even realize they are doing it or consider it wrong. Why is telling the truth so hard for us? Telling white lies is usually done to protect oneself from embarrassment or being called out on their behavior. On the flip side, white lies are also told to “protect” someone else from the truth. What if we stopped telling white lies and actually told the truth? Forced to accept our flaws, shortcomings, emotions, and accept things for what they really are. Telling the truth even when you don’t want to can make us better individuals and allow us to have healthier relationships with others.

Truth or Lie

You might think white lies are good because they protect you or someone else from some sort of negative attention or emotion. The fact though is that a lie is a lie no matter how you try to coat it, flip it or rationalize it. A lot of the time we lie about the most insignificant stupid shit. Why is telling your truth so unappealing? A few examples of typical white lies that we tell are: 

  • White Lie: “Sorry I’m late. Traffic was really bad.”  Truth: ” Honestly, I left my house later than I should have. Time management is something I’m trying to get better at. I apologize for making you wait” 
  • White Lie: ” Yeah, our kid was sick. Sorry we couldn’t make it.” Truth: ” We had another obligation that day. I’m sorry. I should have just let you know that we couldn’t make it to your party.” 
  • White Lie: ” No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” Truth: ” What you did really upset me. I’ve been wanting to talk with you about it.”
  • White Lie: ” I didn’t see your text! My bad!” Truth: “I did get your text. To be honest, I just didn’t feel like talking at the time.”

What if we told the truth instead of hiding behind these more appealing white lies? Accepting the truth and letting others accept it as well. Instead, we use kids as scapegoats, blame lousy cell reception for the reason we didn’t get a text, or invisible traffic as the reason for being late. Why is owning up to our shit and being honest something we don’t hold each other more accountable for? Wouldn’t you rather someone be straight up with you instead of telling you what you want to hear? If you said yes, you should probably think about the white lies you tell. You can’t harp on others for their lies if you are continually telling them yourself.   

Liars are Everywhere 

I don’t know about you but I rather someone tell me the truth and run the risk of hurting my feelings than to lie and protect them. Relationships in all capacities should be built on honesty, and if you are constantly feeding someone lies, then that’s what your relationship will be built on. Research shows that 60% of people lie two or three times during a typical 10-minute conversation. Friends, coworkers, family, significant others, your neighbor, etc. It’s pretty safe to say that at least once a day you will have a conversation with someone who will lie to you. People lie about everything from what they did last weekend, how much money they have, their feelings, or about why they didn’t call you back. Some people lie to make others feel better while some lie to make themselves feel, sound or look better. The motives behind lying are so vast and deep that the reasons are endless. It’s pretty overwhelming to think about all the relationships you have with people that lie to you constantly.


Spotting a Liar

Some of us are better at spotting liars than others. I’m pretty proud of my bullshit detector. There have been times when someone has lied to me, and I know immediately. Either because I knew the truth, to begin with, their lie is just obvious bullshit or because of how they tell their lie. Some people excel at lying and others fucking suck. Both are equally shitty, but it helps if you know how to spot a lie so then you can decide if you want to call the person out or not. Some lies are worth calling out, but some might be worth asking the person why they feel the need to lie. I take mental notes of habitual liars, and they end up being someone I know I can’t trust. I tend to steer clear of these people and pull away from them. 

  • Take notice of their body language. People who can’t look you in the eyes or fidget a lot might not be telling you the truth. 
  • Those who evade questions or take longer than normal to respond might be thinking of a lie to tell. 
  • People who get angry. If someone gets upset when you dig for more information means that they might be mad that their lie is unraveling. 
  • People who tell you one thing but tell someone else something different. People who constantly change their stories are trying to keep their lie alive. 

Society Accepts Lying

Lying has become socially acceptable. It happens so much that we expect it and accept it. We have all been the liar and all been lied to. From enhancing social status to covering up lies; lying is a part of our every day. Could you image our world if everyone tried to be a little more honest? How much better our relationships and friendships would be. Being honest makes you accept YOUR truth. If you cannot be honest with yourself there’s no way you can be honest with other people. Accept your flaws, love yourself for who you are and try to change the things you don’t like. Becoming a better version of you can be an organic process and doesn’t need to be a mountain of lies. The next time you find yourself wanting to tell a ” little white lie” ask yourself why you don’t want to tell the truth. The truth is always better even if it doesn’t sound as good as the lie. 

How do you feel about white lies? Do you try to be an honest person most of the time? Please share your thoughts with us!

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