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Interracial Friendships: Part Two

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Ebony and Ivory 

Last Fall we were contacted by a writer, Charmin Michelle, from XoNecole.com.  She found us on IG using #ebonyandivory and reached out to see if we were interested in being interviewed about our interracial friendship.  Umm.. OF COURSE WE WERE INTERESTED!

Necole Bitchie = XO Necole

For those that might not be familiar with XoNecole, it used to be called Necole Bitchie and we used to read it TOUGH back in the day. It used to be more of a gossip website and it was an extremely well-composed blog.  We were super bummed when Necole stepped back from blogging and shut down her site. It was one of those sites that you peeped daily. But, now she is back with a new vibe and new grown woman site (that we absolutely love). Getting asked to be featured on XoNecole after all of the years of being a loyal reader of Necole Bitchie, made this an extra special opportunity that we couldn’t pass up.

Click here for quick access to the article!

The Interview

The interview consisted of questions surrounding our interracial friendship, how it has evolved and what we have learned from one another. An all-around glimpse into friendships of black and white women in today’s society. Part one of this interview was from the white friends perspective and Part two is from the black friends perspective. If you didn’t get a chance to check it out, Click here to read Part One first! We would love for you to check out what was said on this topic! This article is so special to us and know there are other friendships out there that can relate!

As always, we are so glad you stopped by Bestietalks! We would love to hear your thoughts, experiences and personal feelings about interracial friendships!

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Interracial Friendships Part One

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Ebony and Ivory 

Recently we were contacted by a writer, Charmin Michelle, from XoNecole.com.  She found us on IG using #ebonyandivory and reached out to see if we were interested in being interviewed about our interracial friendship.  Umm.. OF COURSE WE WERE INTERESTED!

Necole Bitchie = XO Necole

For those that might not be familiar with XoNecole, it used to be called Necole Bitchie and we used to read it TOUGH back in the day. It used to be more of a gossip website and it was an extremely well-composed blog.  We were super bummed when Necole stepped back from blogging and shut down her site. It was one of those sites that you peeped daily. But, now she is back with a new vibe and new grown woman site (that we absolutely love). Getting asked to be featured on XoNecole after all of the years of being a loyal reader of Necole Bitchie, made this an extra special opportunity that we couldn’t pass up.

Click here for quick access to the article!

The Interview

The interview consisted of questions surrounding our interracial friendship, how it has evolved and what we have learned from one another. An all-around glimpse into friendships of black and white women in today’s society. We would love for you to check out what was said on this topic! This article will have a ‘part 2’ that will feature the black friend’s responses to the same questions. We are equally excited about that perspective and will share it when it is released. Please head over to XoNecole by clicking here to check out our feature!

 Can you Relate?!

We would LOVE your feedback on this topic! Drop us a note and tell us about your interracial friendship stories!  

A picture from our first year of friendship 15+ years ago!
A photo of us from our first year of friendship 15+ years ago!
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5 Signs That you Need to cut Someone out of Your Life

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Knowing Who is Toxic in Your Life

It can be hard to spot who is toxic in your life. The truth is though that sometimes we allow people to stay in our lives longer than they should. Not all friendships and relationships continue as they started. People change and sometimes for the worse. Just because you have known someone for a long time doesn’t mean they have a right to treat you like shit or make you feel miserable. You might not realize how much power you have when it comes to controlling your happiness. Start by evaluating the people in your life and really take the time to see who adds value and who might need to be cut from your life.

5 Signs to Notice

  1. They don’t make you happy. If there is someone in your life who doesn’t make you happy then you need to ask yourself why they are still in your life. Someone who constantly brings negativity, drama or sadness to your days is someone you need to cut out from your life. I know this could be a family member, a friend, or even a significant other but the reality is that you deserve to be happy regardless of that person’s title in your life. Take control of your happiness, it is YOURS after all.
  2. They don’t believe in you or support your goals. This is something that can be hard to spot and come to terms with. We automatically think that all of our friends and loved ones are going to believe in us and support everything we do but this is not the case. If there is something in your life that you’re passionate about and there is someone in your life who doesn’t appreciate that passion, then they don’t deserve to experience your success and achievements with you. Surround yourself with people who support you and want the best for you and SHOW it.
  3. They don’t make time for you. Life is busy and we all have our own things going on but making time for those that are important to us is crucial for any and all relationships and friendships to survive. We all pick and choose how we spend our time and who we make an effort to stay in touch with not only matters but shows. One-sided relationships don’t last very long. If there is someone who you make an effort to talk or see and they do not reciporate your efforts, then it might be time to stop trying so much. We all have our phones nearby and a simple call or text is really not that hard. If someone blows you off multiple times then maybe it’s time to stop giving your time to them and give it to someone you does make time for you. Did someone come to mind when you read this? Then you know what you need to do.
  4. They act like they are better than you. A friend shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. If you don’t possess the things they posses and they make you feel lesser because of that then you need to serioulsy consider how much time you spend with this person. Why spend your time with someone you constantly throws everything they have in your face? How in the hell can that even be fun? Someone you talks down to you falls into this same cateogory. You don’t need that shit and I promise you that you will feel better after you do something about it. No one has the right to make you feel shitty about yourself. People who think they are always right, always “know’s whats best” or feel entitled to tell you about YOUR life  are people you should really cut out from your life. There are enough pressures form society about what you should have and look like. You don’t need additional stressors coming from your inner circle. 
  5. They are constantly negative.  There will be days where your friend or loved one will call you to bitch about their bad day and thats perfectly okay. We all have bad days. There are people who have bad days then people who act like they have a bad life. Every single day they are negative and every single day there is something wrong. People who are fueld by negativity and constantly bring it around you will start to have a negative impact on your life even if you dont’ notice it right away. Constant negativity and complaining it hard to endure. who wants to constatnly be surrounded by someone who can’t find happiness and simple joy? Again, life is too short. Not only is life too short but who we keep around us impacts our personalities, lives, and ways of thinking. You should try to surround yourself with like-minded people. People who are constantly negative will drag you down with them. Take notice and do something about it now. You will be thankful once that negativity is removed and notice how much weight is lifted.  

Can you Relate?

Did any of these hit home with you? Maybe someone or multiple people popped into your head as you read through this? Let us know if you have experienced this before and what finally happened for you to accept that you needed to cut someone out of your life? Never forget that your life and your happiness matters. Surround yourself with people you make you happy, make you a better person, and make you feel loved. At minimum, we all deserve those things!

Thank you for reading!

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Holidays with Eat Figs Not Pigs

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Eat Figs Not Pigs for the Holidays

We teamed up with our wonderful friends at Eat Figs Not Pigs, to discuss how to eat vegan during the holidays. The holidays are times for gathering with friends, family, and feasting together on wonderful food. Of course, not everyone is vegan, so finding a dish to make that everyone can enjoy can be tricky. If you are looking for something new to try this holiday season, maybe think about giving a vegan recipe a shot! Who knows, it just might end up being so good that no one can even tell it’s vegan!

Questions For Eat Figs Not Pigs

BestieTalks : The holidays are tricky as a vegan. I have experienced going to parties where there might be only one or two items that I could eat and most often it was fruits or veggies. I would miss out on that “hearty” part of a holiday meal. Is there a main dish recipe that you would recommend for the upcoming holidays? 

Eat Figs Not Pigs : Yes! There are so many, actually! Tofurky, Gardein, and Trader Joe’s all have a “Holiday Roast” that is actually pretty tasty! I usually ditch the gravy packets and make my own (recipe for my mushroom gravy is included with the Holiday Croquettes recipe). You can find these at many local grocery stores and at all Health food stores such as Whole Foods and Sprouts. If faux meats aren’t your thing, stuffed acorn squash is delicious and makes for a beautiful presentation! We actually have a recipe for that on our blog as well! Some other great mains for the Holidays are butternut squash risotto, which we’ll be sharing a recipe for very soon! We also love Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Brown Butter Sauce, Fettuccine with a Creamy Squash or Pumpkin Sauce, Lentil or Mushroom Loaf Wrapped in Puff Pastry with Savory Mushroom Gravy – www.hotforfood.com and www.itdoesnttastelikechicken.com have really tasty recipes for Puff Pastry Wrapped Loaves!

BestieTalks: What are your go-to favorite vegan sides for holiday dinners?

Eat Figs Not Pigs: 

  • Mac and Cheese – Mississippi Vegan (www.mississippivegan.com) has the FUCKING BEST recipe for mac and cheese I’ve ever had! HIGHLY RECOMMEND! Everyone will love this recipe, vegan or not! For some extra texture, I like to sprinkle the top with panko bread crumbs and melted butter and hit it under the broiler for a couple minutes.
  • Mashed Potatoes – Classic, versatile, minimal ingredients, EASILY veganizable, simple to make. You can’t go wrong with mashed potatoes!
  • Green Bean Casserole – The three years we’ve been vegan, we’ve also had the pleasure of hosting both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our recipe for Green Bean Casserole is a HUGE hit among my meat-eating family. Such a hit, that they make my vegan version over the traditional version now. Ditch that canned mushroom soup and let me show you what REAL green bean casserole is supposed to taste like 🙂
  • Scalloped Potatoes – Another recipe we have on the blog, and it is very popular! Potatoes are a MUST during the holidays.
  • Roasted Veggies – With all the starchy foods during the holidays, it’s nice to have some good ol’ roasted veggies. I tend to go for root vegetables during the colder months, but choose whatever veggies you know and love! I like to season mine with a little brown sugar and ginger.

BestieTalks: If I needed a vegan dish last minute without a lot of time to cook or prepare- what would you recommend? A quick and easy recipe to put together or maybe even a store-bought item that could win over a crowd?

Eat Figs Not Pigs: 

Last minute – I recommend checking your local health food store’s “hot meal” or “ready meal” sections. During the Holiday months, Whole Foods, Sprouts, and Lassen’s tend to carry many vegan options such as  Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Pies, etc.

Quick & Easy – I really love Daiya boxed mac and cheese! You can find them at most health food stores. Each box feeds maybe 2 people, though…so you may need to buy a few if you’re attending a party with a lot of guests.

Quick & Easy – Mashed potatoes are always a go-to quick and easy dish! I like to add vegan butter, a little bit of non-dairy milk, vegan sour cream (Tofutti brand is my favorite and easily accessible), LOTS and LOTS  of fresh garlic, fresh chives, and some salt and pepper. Pro Tip – Purchase baby potatoes and quarter them for quicker cooking time!

Quick & Easy – PASTA! Noodles take only a few minutes to prepare and you can whip up a delicious and creamy sauce in the time the noodles are cooking if you’ve got a good blender! Blend up some cashews, non-dairy milk, canned pumpkin (the real kind, not the stiff for pumpkin pie), sage, garlic, vegan Parmesan, salt and pepper. Blend until creamy and smooth and voila! You’ve got a creamy, herb-y Pumpkin Alfredo sauce that will be sure to wow everyone!

Quick and Easy – Bruschetta! I love Bruschetta, as most people do! You can keep it classic or jazz it up with vegan cream cheese, cranberries or pomegranates, drizzled with some fresh sage and store-bought balsamic glaze.

BestieTalks: What tiny changes could be made to classic holiday dishes that could turn them into a new favorite vegan classic? Like green bean casserole, stuffing, gravy etc.

Eat Figs Not Pigs: So many EASY AF changes you can make to veganize almost any dish! If a recipe calls for butter, buy vegan butter such as Earth Balance or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Swap regular milk for non-dairy milk such as Almond, Soy, Hemp, Coconut, or Cashew. If a recipe calls for eggs as a binder, there are tons of egg replacements such as Bob’s Red Mill brand, Ener-G, Follow Your Heart, Flax eggs (tons of recipes online), or ground Chia seeds. There is even vegan half-and-half for creamier recipes! All these ingredients are pretty easy to find!

BestieTalks: Every party needs a fun drink! Do you have a favorite drink that you would recommend for a holiday gathering?

Eat Figs Not Pigs: Any drink that gets me drunk is a fun drink, in my opinion. Just kindding (kind of). On the real, though, I know people love egg nog (I personally hate it), so spiked egg nog is a go-to. Even my local grocery store has several brands of vegan egg nog, so it should be easily accessible in most cases! I also love anything cinnamon-y during the holidays, so a Fireball Sangria would be tasty and festive af. Bailey’s also has an Almond Milk Vegan version out now! I always love Bailey’s during the Holidays!

RECIPE #1 – GARLIC HERBED SCALLOPED POTATOES

INGREDIENTS:
1 large shallot, minced
1 tsp of each – sage, rosemary, thyme (preferably fresh, minced)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 cup onion, chopped
2 cups non-dairy milk
3 TBS cornstarch
3 TBS vegan butter, such as Earth Balance
1 – 7 ounce package Follow Your Heart Smoked Gouda Slices, cut into cubes
5-6 red potatoes, sliced thinly
Salt and pepper to taste
Fresh chives, to garnish

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Arrange sliced potatoes in an oven safe dish or cast iron skillet, 
set aside.
3. In a saucepan, heat butter over low heat. Once butter begins to 
melt, slowly stir in cornstarch, fresh herbs, and salt and pepper 
until smooth.
4. Add onions, shallot, and garlic. Cook on low for another 2-3 minutes.
Slowly add non-dairy milk and bring to a boil. Stir constantly until 
the sauce has thickened, about 3-5 minutes.
5. Reduce heat to low and add in the cheese cube, stirring until they 
have formed a creamy “cheese” sauce.
6. Pour sauce over the sliced potatoes, cover and bake in preheated 
oven for 1 hour. Uncover and bake an additional 45 minutes (for extra 
crispiness and cheesy bubbliness, we broiled them the last five 
minutes).
7. Serve warm garnished with fresh chives.
ENJOY!!!

RECIPE #2 – VEGAN HOLIDAY CROQUETTES WITH MUSHROOM GRAVY

INGREDIENTS:

Mushroom Gravy:
8 oz button mushrooms, diced
4 TBS vegan butter
4 TBS all purpose flour
1 1/2 cups water
1 “Not Beef” bouillon cube

Croquettes:
Oil, for frying
3 Russet potatoes, peeled and cut into cubes
8 TBS vegan butter, divided
1 small carrot, chopped
1 stalk celery, chopped
1 small yellow onion, chopped
1 1/2 cups unsweetened original almond milk, divided
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1 TBS of fresh rosemary, thyme and sage, minced and fresh if possible
8 oz Sweet Earth seitan strips, chopped
1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 vegan eggs, we use Ener-G Egg Replacer
2 cups panko bread crumbs, divided
Salt and pepper to taste

INSTRUCTIONS:

Mushroom Gravy:
1. In a small saucepan, melt butter on medium-low heat
2. Add mushrooms and saute until most of the moisture has cooked out, 
about 5-7 minutes
3. Add flour and bouillon cube, mixing to combine all the ingredients
Slowly add in water
4. Increase heat to high and whisk gravy until it boils lightly and 
becomes thicker in consistency
5. Cover and simmer on very low until ready to serve

Croquettes:
1. Prepare vegan eggs according to package directions
2. Fill a large pot with salted water and bring to a boil. Cook 
potatoes until they are very tender and easy to mash
3. While potatoes are boiling, melt 2 tablespoons of vegan butter in a 
large saucepan on medium heat. Saute carrots, onion, celery, and herbs 
until warmed through and fragrant, about 5-7 minutes. Add chopped 
seitan pieces and cook an additional 5-7 minutes. Set mixture aside.
4. When potatoes are done boiling, drain them and transfer to a large 
bow. Mash them with the remaining vegan butter and 1/2 cup unsweetened 
original almond milk. Mash the potatoes until they are free from 
clumps and creamy
5. Add seitan and herb mixture to the mashed potatoes, along with 
vegan eggs and 1/2 cup panko bread crumbs. Season with salt and pepper 
to taste, mixing to combine all the ingredients
6. Set up your dredging station. In one bowl, add the remaining bread 
crumbs. In another bowl, add the remaining almond milk. In a third 
bowl, add the flour
7. Form mashed potato mixture into balls (we used about 1 heaping 
tablespoon of mashed potato mixture to form a ball). Once the balls or 
“croquettes” are formed, roll them into the flour, then the milk, then 
the bread crumbs. Make sure for each part of the coating process, you 
coat each croquette thoroughly. If you want EXTRA crispy croquettes, 
you can repeat the process one more time.
8. Fry the croquettes in oil (350 degrees F) for about 5-7 minutes, or 
until golden brown and crispy
9. Serve hot with mushroom gravy
ENJOY!

 

Connect and Cook Some Recipes!

We hope you enjoyed this article as much as we enjoyed putting it together. We learned quite a few tips ourselves and we also plan on making these recipes too! Even if you are not vegan, we hope you are inspired to give something new a try this holiday season! Eat Figs Not Pigs has an amazing blog with countless mouthwatering recipes. They are not only amazing chefs but badass women that we are glad to call friends. Connect and follow them for more amazing vegan recipes!

Website: www.eatfigsnotpigs.com
Instagram : instagram.com/eat_figs_not_pigs
Facebook : Eat Figs Not Pigs
Email : Ashley@eatfigsnotpigs.com

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10 Fall Favorites

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Fall Makes us Happy

Every year the leaves change, the temps cool down and we are reminded how happy Fall makes us. There is a sense of comfort that Fall brings. The changing of seasons also brings changes in our lives and it is something we can count on happening year after year. Cooler temps, sweaters, pumpkins and being able to cozy up near a fireplace are all things that put a big ass smile on our faces. We are so excited now that Fall is upon us that we had to make a list of our of 10 top Fall favorites! 

10 Things we Love About Fall

1) Wardrobe: Boots, scarfs, layers, oh my! What is there not to love about a Fall season wardrobe. Booties, tights with leg warmers, puffy vest, long socks, cute jackets …I can go on and on. I love a dark look so Fall is my favorite time to pull out all my dark clothing and even go a few shades lighter with make up. It’s the perfect time for neutrals, earth tones and dark clothing. Nothing like a dark sexy lip to go with a dark sexy outfit!

2) Decorating: Whether it’s pumpkins and haystacks or turkeys and Pilgrims, we love to decorate for fall! Decorating for Halloween starts off the Fall season for me. I love everything about decorating for Halloween and scaring my husband every chance I get! And if Halloween isn’t celebrated in your home, there are still so many other cute trendy decorations you can use too.

3) Football: We both love football and even have had our own football fantasy league for many years now. Football reminds of us food, friends, family, and fun! we are both really competitive so we love a little banter and teasing when it comes to football season. Chillin’ on a Sunday in a clean house with Fall scented candles burning…whats not to love?!

4) Food & Drinks: Cooler weather means more savory and belly warming foods. We both love cooking and eating and during the Fall we get to bust out some of our classic favorites and try new yummy recipes as well. Holiday parties and dinners also bring about yummy food that most people don’t cook year round. This is when the crockpots get dusted off and used weekly. Drinks too. Hot cocoa, hot tea spiked with some alcohol etc.

5) Get Together’s: People start getting together for football, holiday parties and gatherings etc. This time of year has a way of bringing people together. Whether it’s small or big, indoor or outdoors, try to make time to get with those your thankful for in this perfect season!

6) Weather:Don’t get us wrong. We absolutely love the beach, pool days and our Summer vacations BUT there’s something cozy about fall weather. Rainy days just stuck in the house can be so relaxing. There is a such thing as too cold but this is a Fall discussion not Winter lol. I don’t love the cold but I do love the spot right between hot and cold.. which brings us to Fall. Fall weather fucking rocks.

7) Fall Scents: Candles are our life year around. But, in the Fall scents like pumpkin, cinnamon, apple, pecan pie take over our homes and we love every minute of it! Incense fall into this category as well. There’s a scent called ‘baking brownies’ and those incense mixed with a pecan pie scented candle will change your life. I’m going to light that combo right now. Seriously, like right now. BRB.

8) TV Lineup: Fall is the time when season premieres of all your favorite shows begin. Survivor launches up for a new season and local tv breaks out with new shows or new seasons of all their top hits. Ray Donovan, Shameless, American Horror Story..the list goes on! This makes it really easy to grab a blanket and cozy up on the couch and watch a great show.

9) Holidays: Fall is the introduction to Holiday season. As a teacher, this means 3 day weekends and paid holiday time. Use this time to get with those who you are thankful for. It’s time for those weekend trips and celebrations with those you love. Holiday season is officially here! 

10) The Colors: Fall is naturally beautiful. The leaves change colors, the days get a littler darker and all around our world goes through a drastic and beautiful change. The end of bright Summer days brings a calm and serene vibration and it’s something we never take for granted. The darker and natural hues that you find in nature reminds us that everything goes through cycles. We change with the seasons as they change and we are here with open arms to embrace Fall!

Do you love this time of year as much as we do? If so, What do YOU love about Fall?! 

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Addiction Affects More Than Addicts

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Opening Up

We like to keep things positive and lighthearted, but life has its downsides. We are opening up about a topic that has dramatically impacted both of our lives. Addiction. If you are reading this, the chances are that you know someone who has suffered from substance abuse. Addiction comes in many forms, but they all have the same pain in common. We have felt that pain and understand that addiction affects more than addicts. Loved ones, friends, and family members all are susceptible to the pain and heartbreak that follows an addict. These are our real, honest and raw stories about our experience with addiction affecting those we love.

Jessica’s Story

This is something that is very hard for me to open up about. I am a very private person when it comes to my family, and I am very protective over those that I love. There are only a handful of people that know about this side of my life. Without those people, I probably wouldn’t have made it through all the shit I’ve endured over the years. I’m forever grateful for them. My younger sister started doing heroin five years ago. Before that it was pills. I still remember when she told me about the heroin and the urge I instantly had to want to help her. To “fix” her. I didn’t know it then, but you can’t ever “fix” an addict. Addicts can only help themselves, and until they want that help, there is nothing anyone can do. Our mother took custody of my niece and moved to another state while leaving my sister behind in Arizona. She abandoned her and left me to pick up the pieces. I have always felt responsible for my sister. In high school, our mom had an asshole of a boyfriend who lived with us. It was during those years that I became very protective of my sister.

You can’t “fix” an Addict

I thought I could fix her, make her better, help her get her daughter back, etc. but I was so naive. I was there by her side in the hospital when she overdosed. And I was there at her rehab a few times a week to check on her and bring clean clothes. We opened our doors to her when she left rehab for the first time. It wasn’t long until she stole from us and went back to living in the streets and doing drugs. By this time so much damage had been done that my family was completely ripped apart. I had no relationship with our mother or my niece, and my sister was someone I no longer knew.

I finally got my sister out of Arizona, and she went off to Texas where our Dad lives in hopes of starting a new life. She couldn’t be trusted in an airport so a train was our only option. I stood and watched until the doors closed and that train left. There was a feeling of emptiness when I got her on that train to Texas. I felt like I failed at taking care of her. She wasn’t my responsibility but watching my sister slowly kill herself was something I couldn’t let happen without attempting to help.

Struggling to Stay Sober   

She had a period of sobriety but never really had a “recovery” period. After moving to Texas, she got pregnant back to back which brought about two years of sobriety. She managed to stay clean for a while but recently fell back into her old habits. History repeated itself when she left her two youngest children and went back to her life of drug use and poor selection of “friends.” I couldn’t understand why she would do this all over again. She had a job, a car, two babies to take care of and was on the right path to getting her oldest daughter back. She just threw it all away, again. I took her into our home a few months ago, and she detoxed for a week straight. She was the thinnest I have ever seen her, and I just wanted to help her, again.

I believed her that she wanted to get clean, that she wanted help. You want to believe an addict every time they say, “I’m not gonna do this again. This was the last time. I promise.” But, it wasn’t the last time, and addicts lie so much that I think they genuinely believe their lies. I got her clean, fed, gave her some clothes and bought her a new cell phone. It’s hard dealing with an addict, and we fought constantly. Those 2 1/2 weeks felt like months. She was adamant she wanted to go back to Austin and “get her shit together.” She got on a bus from Dallas and spent a few weeks in rehab. She ended up checking herself out, “lost” her phone and all of her possessions she just regained and relapsed all over again. Every day that passes that I don’t hear from her is hard. She has no idea the pain she is inflicting on others.

Saying No

My brother in law suffers from the same substance abuse that my sister does. It’s sad to see our younger siblings just throw their lives away for a drug. My husband and I understand each other’s pain and know what it’s like to wonder where they are, if they are OK, if they are eating, if they are safe, etc. I had to cut off communication with my brother in law a few years ago because the drugs just became too much. It was too hard to see him high all the time. Due to the drugs, both of our siblings suffer from mental psychosis issues now as well. Drugs and mental illness all too often end up going hand in hand.

Last weekend my sister called me wanting to come to my house. I told her she’s not allowed in our home if she’s not clean. On top of that, I don’t condone her behavior and throwing her responsibilities as a mother out the window. I don’t respect it and won’t enable her. No, I told her no. There was a mix of emotions that I felt after she hung up on me. Telling her “no” was something I did for her and me. She doesn’t see it now, but I hope one day she will. I haven’t heard from her since and I have no way to reach her. Saying no to an addict can be a very hard thing to do. I have watched my Dad over the years as he has dealt with my sisters manipulation and it breaks my heart. The hope he has for her is never ending but he is slowly learning that he has to say no and that he has to stick with it. We aren’t turning our backs on her but we are firmly letting her know where we stand.

Wishing For Sobriety 

I miss my little sister, and I hope one day to have her back. The old her. The loving, kind, and funny sister that I remember. Not the one who leaves her kids, lies continuously and hurts everyone around her, but most of all hurts herself. I’ve accepted that I can’t fix her, but I can be here to support her when she’s ready to fix herself. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do but wait for this freight train she is riding to come to a halt. Until then there’s no point in me trying to jump in front to stop it.

Raynita’s Story

Substance abuse wasn’t apart of my life. But that all changed the day I met my husband. His older sister started dealing with substance abuse at the age of 13. Her drug of choice back then was alcohol. Their mom said she would never forget getting the phone call from her friend’s mom saying “Can you please come get your daughter, she is out of control.” Her daughter and her friends had got into a six-pack of wine coolers. The three of them all had one, and she ended up having the extra three and whatever else the other girls couldn’t finish. This might sound like an innocent teenage thing to do, but it was the start of her substance abuse.

Fast-forward a few years, and now she was introduced to narcotics after being a local pageant queen at the age of 17. Crazy how something so glamorous can lead you down the darkest road you will ever be on. The pageant life consisted of looking your best at all times, attending parties where you’re wined and dined by much older men, who also expected you to do basically whatever they wanted. She claims that she was expected to stay up all hours of the night and in high spirits. That’s where cocaine came into the picture. As the events and pageants continued, so did the cocaine. As she got older and began getting her more womanly figure, other girls who were joining the competition were younger and ‘thinner’ than her. So once again, cocaine was the drug she turned to so she didn’t get the craving to eat and could maintain her pageant weight. A few years later, pageants were done but her addiction wasn’t.

Substance Abuse As An Adult

My husband remembers her being about 21 when she was at their family home as she locked herself in the bathroom for hours. She came out, passed out on the floor and lost consciousness. She had overdosed. My husband called 911 as their mom is yelling at her just to breathe. The ambulance rushed in and revived her. No one knows exactly what she had overdosed on, but it was either cocaine or crank. This is a sight that continues to haunt my husband til this day.

Never Ending Cycle

Alcohol was still an issue. It had always been a part of her life because it was the easiest thing to get. She would drink and drive regularly and of course, ended up with a DUI. By the time she got her first DUI, she had already been to two state-funded rehab programs and two rehabs that my in-laws paid for. At 23, she moved in with her aunt who she would party with regularly. At one of these parties, she has introduced to this man who she instantly fell for. She was always looking for that male attention, and she found it in a guy who is 13+ years older than her. Within 60 days they had moved in together. My mother in law remembers receiving a call from him complaining about her daughter and saying that she wanted to be taken to the hospital because she feels bugs in her skin. Right away, mom knew she was using again and told him that he needs to take her to the ER. The emergency room called these “coke bugs,” and people will start feeling this sensation and hallucinations after doing cocaine or other drugs.

She and her new boyfriend would get in a fight, and that would drive her to use. Honestly, ANY negativity would be her excuse to use. Shortly after moving in together, she ends up pregnant. Now she’s 24, pregnant by a man she barely knows and still struggling with addiction. Did her pregnancy force her to stop her drug use? For a moment it did. However, she relapsed while she was pregnant and this time, went to jail. After doing her short sentence in jail, she comes out, and she and this man decide to get married. Then she has two more kids back to back which kept her sober for the time being.

Rehab

Rehab after rehab, program after program, she still couldn’t get her act together. She never acts like a wife and would meet men in these programs and AA meetings that would give her the attention she wanted, only to use her and her husband’s money. Sober living never worked either. She has easily been to 20 different rehabs up and down California. I have been to 3 different rehabs to visit her and take part in family counseling sessions. After the second one, my husband was over it. The last one we went to, I had to convince him and force him to go. But now, I have given up too because it’s the same cycle. After she got in the biggest trouble yet, she was sent to prison for a year. We all thought that was the last straw and she would have to change. Nope! She’s back at it doing the same things and running back to my in-laws home to detox week after week. Finally, we all had to cut her off. We can’t keep letting her abuse and hurt us like this.

Our biggest worry is her children. We stay in close contact with them and let them know that they’re loved, we’re here for them, and NOTHING is their fault. With me working with at-risk children, I see so many signs that can easily categorize them to be at-risk as well. These children are so strong to be dealing with this life. I just wish they were enough to keep their mom sober.

Seeking Help

There are lots of resources out there for addicts and for those affected by addicts. Books, groups, online forums, hotlines etc. It’s important to seek any and all help that you might need. 

You’re not alone.

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